little did i know that this blog still existed. in some ways i wish it hadnt. I didnt know that i have been writing my feelins for all to read since i was 16, yet no one really knows me. how is that? every thought and every event that i experienced, i put out there for people to read.

i keep trying to convince others that i'm ok, but am i?

i tell them that i've gotten past what has happened with vince, yet in my stillness i find that i'm allowing myself to be consumed with thoughts and regrets. i'll spend long moments laying there looking at the picture on my wall while the "what if i had..."s "i should have said..."s and "did he think..."s try to devour any part of me that is healed. reading his journal on here puts a feeling i need air, yet cant inhale enough. the box of his stuff still remains on the floor next to my closet. every time i attempt to move it, i break. its so dificult to let go of something when your nuckles are still whitely clinched around it.

i tell people that my dad's actually getting better, yet thats just what i hope will eventually happen. i dont mean this in a horrable way, but i pray that the man i marry wont be like him. today was one of the most important days for me, and he missed it. why? selfishness. he wanted to sleep in. i honestly love that man, yet i feel a slight cringe when he passes by. they say one day when you grow up you will understand why your parents did the things they did, and i look forward to that day. the day i can get rid of any harsh feelings. yet as my sister is an adult in her mid 20's, she's still looking for that day.

i tell people that i'm ready to get out of high school, ready to move on, yet in reality, i'm scared! i dont have any plans, any goals. what am i going to be, a manager at cinemark? oh wait, i tried that and failed! i dont know what lies ahead of me, and for someone that needs structure and stability, not having a clue isnt going to work for me. i'd rather spend more time in high school making up my mind... i need more time. i dont want to be one of those dead beats that graduate from alvin, get a job around alvin, stay in alvin, raise a family in alive and die miserably in alvin... i have a gut feeling i'm more than that!



so, with all these lies i tell people, i'm sure you're wondering if there's any truths that have been told. yes, many!


i've told people that i want to move on. in one breathe its not true, yet in another it is. there are a couple of people out there, that when i see them, it makes me want to believe in the possibility of being happier than i ever was. a possibility that god does have someone for me.

i've told people that i know who i am. although i doubt myself, i am who i am and no one can change that! i know that i'm not that irresoncible, immature, and undedicated person i have been told i am. if i were irresoncible, why would i be doing my best to support myself and family? if i were immature, then why would i know the things i know, think the way i think, and act the way i act? if i were undedicated, when why is it that if i do something, even if i hate it, i do it right, better than expected, and with all my heart and soul?

i told people what i think of them if i knew for sure how i really feel. if i trust someone, they will know. maybe not by words, but by actions. there are many people out there that i just love dearly! not just the kind of love that you would die for, because thats an easy way out, but the kind of love that i would cut my ear off for and spend the rest of my life being ridiculed and in pain for.


so where does that leave me? a lying child that has a lot of growing up to do? or a trustworth adult that knows what passion is about and commits? in all honest opnion, i'm both. we all are. it'll never change. we are that little child that is timid and unsure waiting for someone to scoop us up in their arms and tell us everything will be ok. but we are also the passionate adult that has things together and doesnt feel the rocky paths to come because everyone has paths to walk down, just some finish with less injuries than others

Can you believe I seriously just spent 6 hours straight on one stupid economics assignment? (ok not 6 hours straight, I did go pick up a pizza then came back, but still!)how in the world can you make a freaking children's book about an entrepreneur? Any way... On the serious side, I think my dad is honestly on the edge of losing it. Time is finally coming to and end and the wait is almost over for finding out whether or not he has a job still. After working for the pipeline industry for about 28 years now, the man has nothing to show for it. Enron screwed him and now AEP is. (I'm sure I'd be going nuts too.) but instead of just getting a job with some of the contractors that he works with, he's thinking about getting out of the pipeline business for good. And becoming what you ask?... A cook! uh yeah... Not too sure how to take that. The first time he told me it was in one of his little drunken rambles, and I figured he'd wake up the next day and not even know he said it, but no... Not the case. He's wanting to go back to school and become an actual chef. I mean I'm happy for him in a sense, but in a selfish way, was it not him that said he couldn't help me out with school, and that all my dreams were crap? I don't know, I just don't really understand that man. I mean I love him and everything, I just don't get him. Out of nowhere, he's become a dad again. After 12 years? Just a few months ago the plan was for him to up and leave us and retire in the woods somewhere by himself. I don't know how to really respond. He comes in my room to tell me bye and that he loves me. I mean yeah, that's sweet and everything, just something I cant get use to for some reason. I guess I've spent the last 10 years of my life getting use to not having it, and now that I do, its not natural. Make sense? And how is my mom responding to all this? She's going nuts as well. I mean I love her to death, but its as though she's always in her own little world. I come to her for advice, or cause I just need to break down, and it is either turned around to where she is breaking down to me and I'm doing the mom supporting, I get the whole "well if you weren't so irresponsible none of this would ever happen to you. See what happens when you don't listen to god" or even better, I beg for advice and I get just one line: "you just need to pray about it" OMG!!! I mean yeah, prayer is good, but did God not also give us each other for support? *sigh* I don't know, I just want out for a while.
any way... NEW HATE LIST!
Hate list #2: Box Office:
1. When people stand there dumbfounded for about 15 minutes (no exaggeration either)
2. When parents once again, make their kids tell you what they want (picture this: a family with about six 4 year olds telling me one by one what they want)
3. Having someone ask for six gift cards, paying with credit, and they swiper doesn't work on the computer
4. Having the computer freeze up on you after every transaction
5. Having the ac put on high, freezing to death, then someone turning the heater on until its about 90, then turning the ac back on full blast to continue the cycle again
6. Having to explain that the Giftix is not real to very violent customers
7. Having someone pay $30 with nothing but those stupid gold dollars
8. Having people walk head first into the glass then get mad cause they made a fool of themselves
9. jr. high kids....must I say more?
10. People that threaten to take their business to AMC *shrugs* who cares?
11. People that insist on getting a refund because they "didn't like the movie" after sitting though the whole thing... Its called read reviews
12. Having little kids yell into the speaker next to you not knowing that, its the only one that works and that its turned up all the way... Yeah, not fun
13. Having managers that make it obvious that you are making them go out of their way to let you in a box... I wont say too many names, but you can guess
14. Having nothing to do for almost 4 hours straight... At least in concession you can clean or count something.

ok, I'm done for now... Sorry. Sad thing is , that was a much longer hate list and the first one... But most of these are more tolerable than writing out receipts, getting butter on you, or doing gameroom refunds ;)

As much as I'm trying not to feel bad about what happened, I'm just not buying the whole "don't worry about it" thing. Of course I have to be hard headed and all. But I don't know, I guess I'm still in awe that not just children, but adults could act in such a way. I know I shouldn't be so surprised after getting to know some of these people, but damn, it was low of even them. But all in all, another story in life and another page has been turned. Just like reading a book, there's no point in turning back to what's already said and done. Its one of those things that you learn from and keep on going from page to page. Some people deserve much more and will get what they truly deserve; a place where their hard work and intellect is not only respected, but cherished and understood that its irreplaceable. Though I can no longer see them as a boss, I still see them as the friend and the brother figure that they have made themselves for me and Chrissie. Obviously no one else there can see life through our eyes, and I pitty them for that. When you look outside the box (which at times can be painful and humiliating ;o).. ) and start to see what's really important, only then can you truly live. I never have put much importance on money, gossip, popularity or class, and for that I've been an outcast in some places. But I would never trade who I am being formed into for anything. As I stand right now, I have another job already lined up for me. Yeah its nothing too great, but its what's going to get me from one page to the next. Only problem is that I must wait until I turn 18. (which reminds me... you and Chrissie still up for the 15th? Yeah yall better be! no one else I'd rather spend that day with than good friends) but any way, I'm out of here. I have more writing to do else where.... (told you i actually write "yall" instead of "you guys" sad isn't it? *shrugs*)

I've finally come to the realization that I'm not even sure of who I am any more. Yeah people say that most spend their early years in life finding out who they are with out the help of their parents, friends, co-workers, church people (ect). Its not that these people are no longer around, but that you are faced with many situations in which in order to become "the real you" have to deal with on your own. It "builds character" right? Well, I've tried that and I'll be completely honest with you, I'm more confused that I was before. How can you honestly not listen to those around and make yourself into the "real you"? I was brought up how my parents wanted: quiet, speaks only when spoken to (I kinda take that to an extreme sometimes), minds own business, responsible, hard worker, religious, chruchy, independent yet relies only on the parents, ect. And well evidently they did a pretty damn good job on installing those qualities because no matter how much I try to get rid of them, it seems impossible. Well being honest, at this point in my life, those are the last qualities I want. I want the childhood I was forced to leave. Not the being young part, but the fun. Here lately all I want to do is be the careless, irresponsible, independent, anti-churchy (that's not technically anti-religion, just none of the acting crap) 20 something year old I feel like. I mean there are even a few people out there that see the potential of me being that kind of person and they encourage it, but then I also have those other people. I feel some people just want to keep me on a short rope right in front of them constantly hitting me in the head with the bible when they need to turn it around and smack themselves with it a few times. Some have accused me of "turning away from god" and being "anti-social" but when in reality, I'm still facing god, he's what helps me make it from day to day. And its not that I'm antisocial either, I just don't want to surround myself with people that are only trying to mold me into the person they think I need to me. This next year I want to be the real me. I'm not perfect, no one is, and I want to learn how to have fun. In fact, I may even make up for lost times. I agree with some of those other people... I'm too uptight, stressed over stupid stuff and yeah a bit over worked. And people probably aren't going to agree with what I might choose to do, but you know what... I've lived my life satisfying others, I honestly want to enjoy this gift of life that god has given me. Not worry about what others think.