i keep trying to convince others that i'm ok, but am i?

i tell them that i've gotten past what has happened with vince, yet in my stillness i find that i'm allowing myself to be consumed with thoughts and regrets. i'll spend long moments laying there looking at the picture on my wall while the "what if i had..."s "i should have said..."s and "did he think..."s try to devour any part of me that is healed. reading his journal on here puts a feeling i need air, yet cant inhale enough. the box of his stuff still remains on the floor next to my closet. every time i attempt to move it, i break. its so dificult to let go of something when your nuckles are still whitely clinched around it.

i tell people that my dad's actually getting better, yet thats just what i hope will eventually happen. i dont mean this in a horrable way, but i pray that the man i marry wont be like him. today was one of the most important days for me, and he missed it. why? selfishness. he wanted to sleep in. i honestly love that man, yet i feel a slight cringe when he passes by. they say one day when you grow up you will understand why your parents did the things they did, and i look forward to that day. the day i can get rid of any harsh feelings. yet as my sister is an adult in her mid 20's, she's still looking for that day.

i tell people that i'm ready to get out of high school, ready to move on, yet in reality, i'm scared! i dont have any plans, any goals. what am i going to be, a manager at cinemark? oh wait, i tried that and failed! i dont know what lies ahead of me, and for someone that needs structure and stability, not having a clue isnt going to work for me. i'd rather spend more time in high school making up my mind... i need more time. i dont want to be one of those dead beats that graduate from alvin, get a job around alvin, stay in alvin, raise a family in alive and die miserably in alvin... i have a gut feeling i'm more than that!



so, with all these lies i tell people, i'm sure you're wondering if there's any truths that have been told. yes, many!


i've told people that i want to move on. in one breathe its not true, yet in another it is. there are a couple of people out there, that when i see them, it makes me want to believe in the possibility of being happier than i ever was. a possibility that god does have someone for me.

i've told people that i know who i am. although i doubt myself, i am who i am and no one can change that! i know that i'm not that irresoncible, immature, and undedicated person i have been told i am. if i were irresoncible, why would i be doing my best to support myself and family? if i were immature, then why would i know the things i know, think the way i think, and act the way i act? if i were undedicated, when why is it that if i do something, even if i hate it, i do it right, better than expected, and with all my heart and soul?

i told people what i think of them if i knew for sure how i really feel. if i trust someone, they will know. maybe not by words, but by actions. there are many people out there that i just love dearly! not just the kind of love that you would die for, because thats an easy way out, but the kind of love that i would cut my ear off for and spend the rest of my life being ridiculed and in pain for.


so where does that leave me? a lying child that has a lot of growing up to do? or a trustworth adult that knows what passion is about and commits? in all honest opnion, i'm both. we all are. it'll never change. we are that little child that is timid and unsure waiting for someone to scoop us up in their arms and tell us everything will be ok. but we are also the passionate adult that has things together and doesnt feel the rocky paths to come because everyone has paths to walk down, just some finish with less injuries than others