do you ever plan something out in your head over and over until you finally get the courage up to do whatever it is. you pray and hope that things will turn out just as they have in your head: perfect, flawless, ect. you soon find yourself overly excited and worked up about this event, start to go though with it, then before you know it, the task has been done, and there you are, broken and shattered by the outcome.

yesterday, that was the outcome i've (not) been waiting for. ever since i was given this doll that vincent bought for his little sister molly, i've been planning out how i was suppose to go about giving this to the family who wants nothing to do with me. what i could say that would make them embrace me instead of reject me. weeks went by where i thought about this, ran through my head what i would say, what they might say (kind of bracing myself in the mean time). what may seem as an easy task was one that took more nerves than i've been able to have lately, but i sucked it up, and drove over there. as i got out of the car, all i saw was the car of the father, whom i know would only respond to me with soft words and a kind heart as he always has. relieve i got out of the car with the doll in my jacket and knocked on the door. within minutes every happy thought was ripped from me as i stood there looking into the eyes of evil. every word that escaped her just slashed my heart deeper and deeper. after taking a few deep breaths and fighing back the tears, i stated why i was there, i guess hoping to get some what of a welcome feeling. only to be rejected again. i handed the doll the the beautiful little girl (looking at her eyes light up was the biggest gift. looking at her is like seeing vincent again. the gorgious brown eyes full of life again) and rushed to my car. for i didnt want to give that evilness the satifaction of seeing me break. though i spent the rest of the night in tears and pain, i will never give that person the thrill of seeing me hurt... not ever again. for that was the last time i step on the door steps knocking only to give that person another chance to devoer any more of me. i will be fine, for i know God heals all wounds, no matter how deep. and as much as i want to pray that something evil comes back to that person in return, something so horrible that makes her realize what they did to my handsome, i do not. for you can not return evil for evil. but with love. "when some one slaps you on your cheak, turn your head so they may slap the other". that never really made sense to me, but now it does. all i can do is turn the other cheak, and pray not for something bad to come upon them, but that their eyes may be opened. that they may see and feel the love that is there. that they may see their wrong doings only in order to turn from their evil ways. i say that not to judge them or pretend that i'm any better, but to pray the same for myself. for i wish to see my wrong doings so that i may fix them and not hurt any more people than i already have.