i know i dont normally post on here any more, and there was a reason for that, but now that most if not all of you have switch to my xanga then i think i can actually post on here what i am really feeling! for me now, so i can express myself the only way i know how for myself.

i feel so lost lately... not just a little, but almost completely lost!:

i hate school
i dont like band too often
i no longer enjoy being around those i once did
i love work, but i'm not sure if its for the right reasons
i dont like eating, and when i do its not much
all i want to do is stay in bed most of the time
i dont see my furture as clearly as i once did
i dont enjoy church as much as i did
i feel as though there arent many places where i still belong
i wanna talk to my old friends so bad, but have nothing to say
i have lost so much energy
i want to go HOME (not talking about my house)
i want to do His will
i want to go off to collage
i want to move away
i want to stay
i dont want to go down the wrong path
i want some one to tell me what i'm suppose to do
i want my life to go back to what it was when i was a child
i want my parents to be happy again
i want my parents to love each other again
i want my siter and brother to be able to start over again with out the pain
i dont want to worry about what other think
i want to be happy again
i want to move on at times but feel guilty
i dont want to move on most of the times cause it scares me
i dont want to forget
i want to love again, but then again i dont
i want him back
i miss him more than i can let people know
i still cry for him at night
i would trade everything for one more day with him
i wish i could take back some of the things i said to him
i wish i could have said more of what i didnt
i hope he knows i love him
it scares me that i may never move on completely
i hope that i'll find a guy that can deal with this mess i call me
i hope that when i talk to him, he can hear me
i hope that one day i will understand
i hope that one day his dad will be ok with me
i hope that the day i die, he's there to greet me
i want to be able to lay on the couch one more time with me in his arms
i want to be able to drive places with his hand in mine
i want to be able to go to the movies like we did
i want to be able to hold his hoodie and not bust into tears
i want to be able to be surrounded by his smell
i want to look at his sister and not he him looking at me ( i cant take it)
i want to be able to eat with a spork and not want to cry
i want to be able to listent to postal service and not bust into tear when all
i hear is him singing the words
i want to hear him sing "i like the way you move" once more!
i want to be called "my beautiful cherry" by him
i want to have his hand on my face gazing into my eyes as if we're all that matters
i want to be hugged by him like he could live with out me
i would eat sushi and olives for him
i want to sit and watch family guy with him for days
i want to watch south park with him and pretend i think its funny
i want to ride in his car no matter how fast he drives
i want to be able to give him my "look" and he knows what that means
i want to feel special, needed, wanted, cherished, Loved
i want to be able to hear his laugh
run my fingures through his hair that he cut off just for me
go swimming with him at night
lay in the tunnel together at the park
sit in my car in his drive way
dance with him at prom
watch him while he sleeps
hold him when his medicine is making him feel bad
lift him up with his dad shoots him down
watch him play with his sister
picture us living happily ever after (that one just hurts now)
be able to look at his senior picutre and not remember that i was on his coffin
i want to forget that july 24- now ever happened.
i want to forget what he look like lying there lifeless
i want to forget that the body that i once hugged for support and comfort now lies in the ground
i want to change the fact that all of this is impossible
i want to change the fact that i have not control
i want "my handsome"
i want vincent back
i want myself back
i want my faith back
i want my friends back
i want my family back
i want my perfect job back
i want my boss back
i want my LIFE back...


... is this all too much to ask for?